The best cure for Teetotalism?

by Instant Noodle

E hear such has been the terrifying effect produced by the horrors of the Thames’ Water, as exhibited at the Polytechnic, that several confirmed Teetotallers have given up the practice of water drinking, and since taken, as a sanitary precaution, to the imbibing only of wine and ardent spirits. They defend themselves by saying, that if they are to be poisoned, they prefer the pleasanter poison of the two; and that, sooner than be reduced to the necessity of swallowing such impurities as have made the river their sewer-residence, they prefer the risk of all the headaches in the world. Thus the cause of Temperance runs the danger of being drowned in a ditch, because there happens to be a scarcity of water that is drinkable.
It is our belief that Old Father Thames himself will soon become disgusted with the abominable filth in which he is condemned to wallow, just as if it were a sitz-bath of mud prescribed for his health by some hydropathic doctor ; and the chances are that the poor old gentleman will in time be compelled, in mere self-defence, to take to drinking. His urn, from which a limpid stream used once to flow, will be turned probably into a monster dram-bottle, or else you will see him lying stupified on one of his own banks with a barrel of XXX tucked under his arm, and the beer frothing freely from it. We should not be surprised to see a new spirituous compound advertised in his honour, under the name of “OLD FATHER THAMES,” just as we have at present our ” Old Tom,” and which will be sold at all chemists, as the very best remedy for correcting the effects of the present abominable Thames’ Water.

(August 18th, 1855)