Athletics is too dangerous for Englishmen

by Instant Noodle

Although, I’m not sure how Trolling constitutes Athletics.

SOMETHING has lately been said on the subject of athletic sports (Mr. Punch must protest against “athletics:” once received in society, it will be followed by dramatics and other objectionable abbreviations) their danger, expense, and undue predominance at our universities, public schools, and generally amongst the youth of these Isles. Impressed with the conviction that a programme of manly exercises prepared by competent authorities, at his request, might be acceptable wherever the English language was spoken, Mr. Punch commissioned the Nine Head Masters to supplement their labours on the Latin Primer with a Vocabulary of athletic sports. They have obeyed his mandate, and he now dedicates their compilation to all parents and guardians, heads of colleges and other seminaries of sound learning, gentlemen engaged in sedentary pursuits, and muscular and sinewy people in general, confident that it will be found to contain nothing detrimental to life, limb, and pocketmoney, or adverse to the due cultivation of the Belles Lettret, Literte Humaniores, and higher branches of Mathematics.

Balancing one ‘s cash account.

Boxing the compass.

Catching an heiress.

Climbing to the top of the tree.

Cudgelling one’s brains.

Driving a Carriage and Four through an Act of Parliament.

Fencing with a question.

Fighting with shadows.

Fishing for compliments.

Galloping through a novel.

Hitting the right nail on the head.

Hunting the slipper.

Jumping to conclusions.

Poaching eggs.

Racing up and down stairs.

Ratting at elections.

Riding the high horse.

Rowing when dinner’s late.

Running up a house.

Sailing close to the wind.

Shooting folly as it flies.

Sporting “the oak.”

Swimming with the stream.

Training a vine.

Trolling a catch.

Trotting people out.

Tumbling head over ears into love.

Wrestling with difficulties, and

Walking – Mr. Punch’s own particular sport – into everybody !

(January 5th, 1867)