An Ode to Tobacco

by Instant Noodle

A Rhapsodist’s Rhymes

THRICE-blessed weed ! Soother of weary brains
Beneath the Councillor’s wig, the Soldier’s shako,
Purger of sorrows, anodyne of pains.
Tobacco !

The Ancestral Ape smoked not ; in that at
least Man has ascended from the primal Jacko.
Without thee he’d sink back toward the beast,

The young world knew thee not ‘What misery
May we to that extremely luckless lack owe .’
For apples Adam had not pined had he

The early kings and conquerors CYRUS, CESAR,
The swart Hun, ATTILA, Norwegian HACO,
Were destitute of passion’s best appeaser,
Tobacco !

The votaries at Eleusis held divine
The God Wine-giver, hailed him ” O laccho !”
But they knew not the sweeter mysteries thine
Tobacco !

But, Heaven be magnified, thou now art known
From China to Peru, from Kent to Cracow,
And there is hope where’er thy cloud is blown,
Tobacco !

We to thy soft, benignant, opiate spell
Rapture in rest, ease when on trouble’s rack, owe.
There are not rhymes enough thy charms to tell,

Just remember that. If you don’t smoke, you’ll deevolve into an ape. Fact.

(7th December 1883)