Lady Mother (loquitur). “I shall feel obliged to you, Mr. Squills, if you would remove these stains from my daughter’s face. I cannot persuade her to be sufficiently careful with her Photographic Chemicals, and she has had a misfortune with her Nitrate of Silver. Unless you can do something for her, she will not be fit to be seen at Lady Mayfair’s to-night.”
[Mr. Squills administers relief to the fair sufferer, in the shape of Cyanide of Potassium.]
It was recently suggested (when I uploaded this) that Alan Turing may have in fact accidentally poisoned himself. Potassium cyanide was commonly used for many purposes, and the lethal dose is so low that accidental poisoning would have been easy.
QUALIFICATIONS FOR AN M.P.
We give the following list of qualifications for a member of parliament for Westminster, as a logical curiosity, extracted from a handbill very liberally distributed by Captain Rons’s party, during the late contest:—
1st. Because “he is brother to the Earl of Stradbroke.”
2nd. Because “his family have always been hearty Conservatives.”
4th. Because “he entered the navy in 1808.”
5th. Because “he brought home Lord Aylmer in the Pique, in 1835.”
6th. Because “he ran the Pique aground in the Straits of Belleisle.”
7th. Because “after beating there for eleven hours, he got her off again.”
8th. Because “he brought her into Portsmouth without a rudder or forefoot, lower-masts all sprung, and leaking at the rate of two feet per hour!” ergo, he is the fittest man for the representative of Westminster.—Q.E.D.
We have been favoured with the following announcement from Mr. Hood, which we recommend to the earnest attention of our subscribers:—
MR. T. HOOD, PROFESSOR OF PUNMANSHIP,
Begs to acquaint the dull and witless, that he has established a class for the acquirement of an elegant and ready style of punning, on the pure Joe-millerian principle. The very worst hands are improved in six short and mirthful lessons. As a specimen of his capability, he begs to subjoin two conundrums by Colonel Sibthorpe.
“The following is a specimen of my punning before taking six lessons of Mr. T. Hood:—
“Q. Why is a fresh-plucked carnation like a certain cold with which children are affected?
“A. Because it’s a new pink off (an hooping-cough).
“This is a specimen of my punning after taking six lessons of Mr. T. Hood:—
“Q. Why is the difference between pardoning and thinking no more of an injury the same as that between a selfish and a generous man?
“A. Because the one is for-getting and the other for-giving.”
N.B. Gentlemen who live by their wits, and diners-out in particular, will find Mr. T. Hood’s system of incalculable service.
Mr. H. has just completed a large assortment of jokes, which will be suitable for all occurrences of the table, whether dinner or tea. He has also a few second-hand bon mots which he can offer a bargain.
∴ A GOOD LAUGHER WANTED.